kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
In the busyness of the everyday, taking time to nourish the soul doesn't reach the top of the 'to do' list as often as it should.

What nourishes your soul? How would you like to incorporate more of this into your life in 2015?

I could quote the whole of The Elixir, which is all about making the mundane suffused with the divine, so that the busyness of the everyday itself contains that which nourishes the soul. This is part of it; this is why I am so captivated at the moment with the bells and the hours, the moments that make me stop, and listen, and find the deep well of peace that is within myself and everywhere.

There is more to it, for it cannot be denied that it is an awful lot easier to stop and listen when I remember that this is something that I am supposed (ha!) to be doing, and so, when I make space for myself to do it, I find that there are many more of those prompts to stop and listen.

My commitment for 2015, therefore, is to book myself a retreat, and then, before I go on it, to book myself another one. To join the new work choir. To attend Wednesday communion when I possibly can. And to find a way of talking about this that doesn't sound like I'm teaching a toddler how to cross the road, though perhaps it's not such a bad analogy.
kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
How can you stop being an a**hole, get out of your own way and make room for more of your magic to happen in 2015?

Today I would like to be a tortoise. I would like to pull my head and arms and legs into a shell, and go to sleep in a box full of straw, and spend the winter in a shed. And nobody would find this at all odd because, you know, that's what tortoises do. Nobody would feel at all hurt or insulted, nobody would expect me to send them Christmas cards, nobody would expect me to be anywhere but in my box. Because I am a tortoise.

Which is a long way of saying that I am knackered, and have been driving myself far too hard and expecting far too much of myself. I have been doing too much travelling, too much socialising, too much messing around on the internet... Not that I don't love all those things, but there are ways of doing them that drain me, and ways of doing them that fill me up, and at the moment they all seem to be wearing me out. Hence my desire to hibernate.

How can I sort this out for next year? I have a couple of ideas, and they are mostly about being more clever with my diary. Firstly, I'm thinking about working from home one day a week. I'd been resisting this, because of being terrified that I'd end up a hermit, never speaking to anybody - but one day a week is unlikely to result in this dire scenario becoming reality. On an ordinary work day I travel one hundred and sixteen miles. If I don't have to do that five days running, I think I'll wind up much less tired. Also, I've seen a small ad from a piano teacher who does daytime lessons. One of those hours that I'm not spending on the train, I can use for piano.

Then I can be clever with my annual leave. My employer is extremely generous when it comes to annual leave. This year, now I don't have to use it on moving house and boring stuff like that, I'm going to book at least two separate weeks of absolutely nothing at all, as well as using some of it on actual honest to God holidays. And by 'holidays' I do not mean 'visiting my parents on the Isle of Wight again': dearly as I love my parents, visits to them are never as relaxing as I think they're going to be. Also, it's high time I went abroad again.

Next year, I'm going to let myself have fun, damn it.

Doggy photos

Dec. 19th, 2014 03:04 pm[personal profile] alee_grrl
alee_grrl: A kitty peeking out from between a stack of books and a cup of coffee. (Default)
I've been kind of up and down a lot this week, with the past few days being more down than up. Not really sure if I want to put it all into words, and I am frustrated with my blog having been mostly "ugh, woe is me" lately. So instead I am going to post doggy photos. Z has come out of her shell a bit. She's still nervous about a lot of things (and boy do I empathize with that), but she's looking happier and healthier than she did when we first got her. She loves cuddles, especially now that she is allowed on beds with the humans. She adores chewing and playing fetch and has managed to eat most of her tennis balls. She still chews only the things that are hers rather than anything and everything, which is superb. She can be very silly and loves to roll on her back and make littler noises at us. She also makes very contented little noises when she is cuddled and pet.

Pictures of Z below the cut )
kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
In 2015, is there something you’d like to try harder at because you believe it would make all the difference?

Conversely, what is something you could stop trying so hard at that might actually help you manifest what you’d like?

I have been promising myself piano lessons all year. At first they were waiting until the piano was tuned. Then they were waiting until there was some spare cash. Then they were waiting for the silversmithing class to be finished, because I can't cope with more than one extracurricular activity at the moment.

Now they're waiting for me to get my act together and find a teacher. I am avoiding this noticeably - even apart from being knackered and not getting much done anyway - I think because of needing to be good at it straight away, which of course I won't be.

I don't think trying harder is the answer, though. In fact, the thought of trying harder makes me want to cry, and that's hardly productive. I need to stop being knackered (Christmas holidays should help with that, although I am dashing around more than I'd meant to) and then unravel, gently, the stuff around needing to be good at it.

Writing Holiday Cards Again....

NSFW Dec. 16th, 2014 11:16 pm[personal profile] lore
lore: (Writing)
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kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
What are you really proud that you made happen in 2014, despite the gremlins? And what will you do anyway in 2015?

In 2014 I finished (for certain values of 'finished'; read on) my first novel, Speak Its Name. I also resumed writing my first novel, The Slowest Elopement. The latter has been going, on and off, since I was twelve, maybe younger. The former is a relative newcomer; I started writing it in 2007. You will understand why finishing either of them feels like an achievement.

I sent Speak Its Name off to about five agents (consecutively, not all at once); none of them were interested, but doing this at all was bloody scary, and having done it has deprived the gremlins of at least one of their arguments, namely, that I'm too chicken.

Of course, having done very little with Speak Its Name for a few months now, I am haunted by a conviction that, even after two thorough edits, it needs to be about 15,000 words shorter (which I can do something about), written entirely from one particular character's point of view (tricky, but doable) and that it will never get taken up unless I remove the religion and the politics (impossible).

This, therefore, is a thing that I will do anyway in 2015. At least, I'll attempt the first two. I will then think about self-publishing, but the gremlins are most insistent that I'll get the pants sued off me if I do - with, I fear, good reason. I might not do that one anyway.

I will also complete The Slowest Elopement, which contains no religion, no politics, and might get me disowned, but shouldn't get me sued.

Piece of cake. Gremlins like cake.

Reverb day 14: dropping anchor

Dec. 14th, 2014 12:06 pm[personal profile] kafj
kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
The idea of rooting down into your own personal beliefs and center of truth is an ongoing process, and many things can serve as anchors or roots as you move through life.

What rooted or anchored you in 2014?

And where do you want to put down roots in 2015?

On the physical level, this year was very much a year of transplanting, of sailing between havens, of transitioning. A year of pulling up roots and lifting anchors - and putting them down again, elsewhere.

It isn't a what that kept me watered or afloat in all this, it's a who. It is my dear partner Tony, who at the beginning of the year was exploring Cambridge and sounding out these potential harbours; who for most of the autumn has been propping me up and provisioning me.

Going down inside myself, looking for the anchors and roots that are my own values, I find:

The thing that the Incarnation means for me, that this world is good, that the Divine can be found in everything.

The value of art, that art is worth making, and worth buying, and worth celebrating, and worth selling, and worth paying for.

And there's something there about trust in work, in the value of what one's doing, no matter how infuriating or mundane it seems.

2015: I want to build on the rootedness and stability that I've achieved thus far. I want to realise how grounded I really am, how much I already have. I want to appreciate that.

I am in Cambridge now. I am beginning to put down roots here: have found a church, with a choir; am beginning to learn my way around.

Here I am. I just need to remember that.
kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
Reminder: still taking prompts for December (and January) Days. Ask me to talk about anything you like: you are most welcome, whoever you are, however you came here.

Step one: set the timer for 5 minutes and write down as many answers as you can think of to the question: 'When and how was I brave in 2014?' Note: remember the private, intimate and small ways in which you were brave as well as the big public ways.

- came out to a group of evangelical Christians
- submitted a novel to an agent (several agents, in fact)
- moved back in with my partner after six months enforced separation
- went for and moved into the flat we fell in love with
- gave up alcohol
- told people about my mental health, or lack of it
- submitted other writing for consideration elsewhere
- applied for a job above my current level, and was interviewed for it
- spent a weekend with people from a long way back, whom I feared I'd no longer have anything in common with
- went to the post office
- decided that I'd got to where I needed to be

Step two: Choose one of more of those moments of bravery and write a letter yourself back at the beginning of 2014, letting you know how brave you are going to be that year.

Dear Kathleen,

You know that this is going to be a big year, even if all that happens is the move, because that's big enough to occupy all your attention for at least the first half of it. As it happens, there is a lot more.

You will put some roots down, and begin to grow. You will knock at all sorts of doors and, although none of them have opened, yet, you will have the courage to keep knocking, or, at least, to know that you will knock again.

You will behave for one glorious, awful, terrifying, moment, with almost complete integrity, and you will, for once, make no apology for who you are.

You will smile at them all afterwards, knowing that they know.

You know it's going to be big. You don't realise how big it's going to be, or, once you've gone through it, how inevitable it will have seemed.

Much love,


Step three: Write yourself a short reminder to tuck into your wallet or post above your desk of just how brave you can and will be in 2015.

2015 is an excellent fun year; it is the first year of being grown up. And by 'grown up' I mean 'isn't waiting for anything else to happen' and 'doesn't give a damn what anybody else thinks anyway'. Go bravely on.
alee_grrl: (sleep)
So I went with my sister, niece and niece's friend to the mall this evening. We did an early dinner at Red Lobster and then headed to the mall. I had gone briefly on Tuesday just to get out of the house for a while. The girls are old enough that they could go off without the adults watching over them, they just had to check in every hour (cell phones make this sort of trip so much easier than it was when I was growing up). Sister and I wandered a bit, checked out the board game store, giggled over things at Spencer's gifts (though the jokes are much staler than the seemed when we were teens), wandered a bit at Nordstroms, had hot drinks and sat for a bit, and then we meandered to the very sad and small book store.

After the book store we hit Hot Topic which was the only store I spent money in. :D They had an Alice in Wonderland charm brass charm bracelet which I will probably convert into a necklace as the charms are a bit heavy to wear around my wrist. I also got an Alice in Wonderland tank top with the Disney version of the Cheshire Cat and the "We're all mad here" quote, and a wide silver bracelet that I had fallen in love with earlier in the week. After that we went and found a place to sit down again while we waited for the girls to finish their shopping. There was also a stop at Bath and Body works in there somewhere.

I must be feeling better because at no point did I get grumpy during the trip. I started getting a bit wobbly towards the end as my knee and hip started to bother me, but otherwise enjoyed myself. Am exhausted now, and will likely be exhausted tomorrow, but had a good time. And it was great fun to see Niece and her friend so excited as they did their Christmas shopping. I have a feeling I'm getting a Teavana blend for the holiday. I'll be curious to see which one she picked out for me. And now for bed.
kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
Write a letter from you to you... filled with forgiveness, love, and a big bear hug.

Dear Kathleen,

You are in the middle of all sorts of things that don't belong in now. You have guilt and shame from fifteen years ago; you have bittersweet hopeless wistfulness from last year; you have worry and false selflessness from next February. They have all chosen this week to float up to the surface. You are allowed to have all of them, and, frustrating as it is to have them in your head, it makes sense that they are here now. You are allowed to find it frustrating. You are allowed to want to cry.

Everyone you think you have hurt seems to have forgiven you; forgiven you long before you worked out how badly you'd hurt them, too. I forgive you; I am the last one. You may let go of it all.

You are getting better all the time.

You are very tired. You can go to bed now, and tomorrow is yours, with all the things to do or not.

This is as long as I can bear to make this note, and that's allowed, too.

Much love,


Reverb day 11: trellis

Dec. 11th, 2014 09:08 pm[personal profile] kafj
kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
What tiny rituals: signal that your day is starting; help you ease into a creative project; give you closure from an intensive task; or mark other significant milestones in your day? What new rituals would you like to create in the new year?

I love rituals. When I think about going over to the Society of Friends, the lack of ritual (and, more to the point, the insistence on not having them) is one of the things that makes me think that I am not a natural Quaker. I find ritual works well for me as a sort of trellis; when I'm droopy and wilting the sheer structure of the thing holds me up, and when I'm healthy and blooming it's still there in the background.

Big ritual. The whole liturgical year is one huge ritual; it spirals around from purple to white to green to purple to white to green with some red bits here and there, and it is reliable and predictable when I'm being nothing of the sort.

I've been experimenting this year with building more ritual into my life. I go to lunchtime communion on Wednesdays and lunchtime Pilates on Fridays. I have a prayerbook app on my phone and I read morning and evening prayer on the train to and from work. I use the 'Angels of the Hours' widget on gratefulness.org. I post something daily for the #100happydays meme on Twitter. A recent development is the 'lie-on-the-floor-under-the-daylight-lamp-and-listen-to-an-album-om-the-iPod' ritual.

And of course I don't manage to do all of these in any given week. This is the point. I can drop out of them, but they are still there when I drop back in again. For me, it's not about getting into such a rhythm of a thing that I can't not do it; it's about doing it as often as I can. Each one is good in itself, but the doing of it shores it up, so that even if I come back to it when I am down, there is enough left in it to reconnect me.

I need to be reminded, though. I mentioned a couple of days ago about wanting a chiming clock. This is why.

Kat talks in the prompt post about the coffee ritual. Mine is tea. I like, and drink, coffee, and it does form part of an occasional writing ritual (I sit down with a blank screen and a cup of coffee and an expensive chocolate, and see what's on the screen when I get to the end of the coffee) but it isn't the first thing I reach for in the morning. That would be tea.

happy making things

Dec. 10th, 2014 06:17 pm[personal profile] alee_grrl
alee_grrl: A color illustration of me listening to music and smiling. (music)
Today I gave in and signed up for a Hulu plus account because the things that I am most interested in watching right now are not available for streaming anywhere else (at least not the most recent episodes).

Am still madly in love with the show Forever. It's not the best writing but the acting is solid and the story is fun. I am also enjoying the dynamic between Henry (the main character) and everyone else. I am glad to hear that ABC has ordered more episodes and that this show will have a full season. It's a long shot that it will get renewed for a second season, but I can hope.

I'm currently catching up on Agents of SHIELD, which I was four or five episodes behind on. There is also Sleepy Hollow and Mysteries of Laura. I am apparently in the mood for shows that do not take themselves to seriously. :D

The other thing that has made me ridiculously happy is the continuation of [archiveofourown.org profile] Koyote19's In the Mouth of Madness. Several new chapters have been posted and the story continues to be amazing. If you have not read it, be warned that it and it's prequel have many dark themes and some very graphic content. Madness is not yet finished, but it is active again, which is awesome. Both are incredibly well-written and this has been among my favorite stories/series for about a decade now.

Also happy making are cuddles with animals, Christmas cards from friends, and tea.

Thoughts from a day....

NSFW Dec. 10th, 2014 10:51 am[personal profile] lore
lore: Death of the Endless looking so happy, shoulders forward, Ankh in the air (Death - So Happy!)
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Reverb day 10: everything I need

Dec. 10th, 2014 02:04 pm[personal profile] kafj
kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
Look back at the last year and consider: how did generosity open your heart? How can you cultivate generosity in the coming year?

I remember a couple of years ago I decided that my word for the year was going to be love. I decided that I was going to love, no matter what happened, no matter how much it hurt.

As it turned out, I was swimming in the stuff, and I hadn’t even noticed until I started doing it myself. My conscious decision to love showed me all the love that was already in my life. It was brilliant. Literally. It shone. Metaphorically.

If I apply the same principle to generosity, it looks something like this: let me be generous, and I will find what is already there.

Another principle that I have been trying to live by is this: I have everything I need.

There is a scene in Apollo 13 where the engineers at Houston have to work out a way to convert a square filter to fit a round hole, restricted of course to the objects and materials that the astronauts have at their disposal, stranded in their little box like a teatray in the sky. I can trust that all the resources that I need to deal with any particular situation are already available to me; I only have to find them. It would be nice if I always had a round filter going spare, but, if it comes to it, I can improvise. I have everything I need.

What about when I’m tired? What about when I am out of energy, or time, or will? What about when I feel as if I have nothing to give? No gold, frankincense or myrrh; no lamb; no heart.

How can I let it flow back to me?

Thoughtless giving is not helpful. Thoughtless help isn’t help. Giving to someone without first finding out what they need has only a tiny chance of actually being what they need; it overrides their autonomy, and that’s almost certainly not helpful. I need the sort of generosity that diminishes neither me nor the one who receives.

Can I at least meet everything generously? The thought that is glowing the most is generosity of spirit, and that's not really about giving anything - at least, it's not about giving anything that I can lose. I think this comes back to what I was saying the other day, about meeting people where they are. To give people back their selves.

That's a start. And I have what I need. It's already there.
alee_grrl: Image of Miranda from Devil Wears Prada holding her glasses and looking pensive. (dwp think)
Wednesday last week was kind of horrid. Things have gotten a little bit better since then. I'm doing my best to hang on and be patient with my body and myself. It is remarkably hard. CW: health things and insurance frustrations )

I did treat myself to lunch out after my appointment, which was kind of nice. And I spent a little bit of time wandering around the local mall (middle of the week before school lets out meant it wasn't unbearably crowded). It was kind of nice to do a bit of window-shopping and just be out of the house for a bit.

Reverb day 9: the bells

Dec. 9th, 2014 01:31 pm[personal profile] kafj
kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
I'm caught up now; there are two things I want to say at the top of this post:

1) I am very excited to have won the 2014 Reverb giveaway! Thank you, Kat, for this and everything!

2) I'm still collecting prompts to take me through Christmas to Epiphany. If there is something you'd like me to talk about, please leave me a prompt here. Pick a specific day if you'd like; otherwise I'll slot it in somewhere. I'm very open to prompts from passing Reverberators or anybody else who's reading.

As you enter into the new year, what would you like to do/make/have/be more often? How will you bear witness and celebrate the tiny milestones? How will you respond on the occasions when your intentions do not come to pass?

Milestones. This year past has been full of them, and big ones at that. Tony's graduation; my new job; my novel; moving house. If I'm honest, it's all been pretty exhausting. It is, however, over. For the first time in years we both have a decent job, and neither of us is having to worry about money.

It's so easy to pick a goal and, as one approaches it, as it suddenly looks like it's going to happen, to persuade oneself that this wasn't really what one meant, that actually one was going for that next mountain, never mind how high this one is. I want to begin this year with the assumption that I'm already where I need to be.

This year coming has one big milestone, which is my 30th birthday, and I'm resolved to devote the rest of the year to - well, to the rest of the year. I want to be in this year, not some ghost of the past that wants me to worry about something that's long over and gone. I want to make the most of it. I want to start living as if I've nothing to wait for. I want to have a huge amount of fun, and I want to pay attention to everything that comes through.

I am planning plenty of rest into 2015. We are going to have our first foreign holiday since our honeymoon, yes, but I also want to make sure that I have at least two separate weeks where I book nothing in at all. I'd also like to get a retreat in there somewhere.

I want to be very present in 2015.

How do I do this? A chiming clock.

My office is opposite a church, and this church has a clock that strikes the quarters. I have made it a practice, every time I hear the chime, to stop. Just for a second, but it's enough, to reconnect to the stillness within.

I'd like that at home, too. So that will be my Christmas present to myself, if nobody else gets me one. A clock that chimes.

Copy/pasted from elseweb, here are my less tangible wishes for 2015:

It is Advent, and so new year for me. I have wishes for the whole year to come…

Spaciously (this was a typo but I liked it. I will do everything spaciously!)

Retreat. Holiday, actual foreign abroad holiday. Weeks of nothing. Another New Opportunity. Further adventures in mermaid twinning. One whopper of a birthday party. If I make a mistake, I make it a good one. I greet everything joyfully and with curiosity.

Reverb day 8: keeping connecting

Dec. 9th, 2014 12:32 pm[personal profile] kafj
kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
How have you created and/or sustained connections in your life this year?

As so often with Reverb prompts, this makes me flinch, and then realise that I didn't need to. Sometimes I feel that I am a complete disaster when it comes to connections. Every autumn I drop off the radar.

I have to expend so much energy keeping myself together that I can't keep a conversation going with anyone else, particularly when it's something that the rest of the world seems to consider easy. A phone call. A birthday card. I just can't, and I feel so pathetic for not being able to. Even now, with my head almost back in the right place, the thought of having to buy, write and send Christmas cards is filling me with a vague sensation of dread.

But -

- this year I have reconnected with two people from secondary school, fifteen years after I last saw them. Now we follow each other on Twitter.

- the internet is, in fact, excellent for keeping up with people. Generally speaking I'm better with the written word than the spoken word, and the ability to build in a delay is incredibly helpful.

- finally getting around to setting up a blog reader has helped, too - I follow an eclectic mix of people, on an equally eclectic mix of blogging platforms, and remembering to look at them all was becoming an arduous task.

- I am still in touch with my colleagues from Guildford, the ones I was so worried about losing, this time last year.

- the London Waterloo-Portsmouth line has been, and will be, seeing a lot of me through December, as I catch up with family and friends.

- this year we re-instituted the tradition of meeting at Warblington to remember Héloïse.

- I don't lose people. Not permanently. They come back to me, and I go back to them. I'm not perfect, and they understand that.

How to keep this going, next year? And how to keep it going when all my social systems shut themselves down? Last year I was concentrating so hard on getting through the great move, on making the most of my last months in Surrey, that I did it all in a state of accidental mindfulness and it was fine. I worked very hard on my connections then, because I thought I was about to lose them all. I'd like to recapture that, but without the stress that induced it all.

I remember something I saw written across a wall in a hostel in Spain: SER SINCERO Y COHERENTE ME HACE UNA PERSONA AUTENTICA. That, I think, comes very close to being the answer.
kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
Please post your favourite picture of yourself from 2014, self-portrait or otherwise!

One night in late June I drank an espresso martini and stayed the night with a friend who has very pale curtains in her spare room. I'd been waking up with the dawn all spring. I managed about two hours of sleep that night, but before I finally dropped off I worked out exactly what to do with my green and black dress that I'd made in 2006 or 2007, which I loved but which no longer fitted.

There had been a conversation, earlier in the evening, which included the oft-heard line, 'Do I need to buy a hat?' The answer, it turns out, was 'No' - but only on the metaphorical level. It served to remind me of a hat that I'd been hankering after for a long time - because it would go so beautifully with the dress, if only I could rescue it. And because it was completely outrageous. And because it was made by my dear friend Arnie, whom I have known since the first day of secondary school, when we met in a very cold and windy lunch break and decided that we would be each other's friends.

I spent more on this hat than I've ever spent on a hat in my life. It may have been more than I've spent on any garment. I was angsting a little bit about this. 'I'm spending all my money on hats. Not even hats. A hat.'

'The singular is important,' Tony said. 'It proves that this is a significant hat.'

And this is true. It is not just a hat. It is art. I have been thinking a lot this year about art, and about how it deserves to be paid for. I need to value other people's art, and my own.

I bought the hat. I bought some black velvet and replaced the bodice on the dress. I made a set of jewellery to go with them. I got new glasses this year, too; it took me a while to get used to the (comparatively) huge frames, which made me feel like Woody Allen for the first few weeks, but I love them now.

Photo under the cut )

Reverb day 6: biting back

Dec. 9th, 2014 11:19 am[personal profile] kafj
kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
Despite our usually sunny dispositions and dedication to the practice of “assuming positive intent,” we all occasionally find ourselves having to deal with an incredibly unpleasant individual.

While I’m sure you always handle it with the tact and finesse for which you’ve become so well known, I’m going to ask you to step outside yourself for just a moment.

Think back to such a situation: if the gloves were off, how you really would have liked to have dealt with them?

Earlier this year I found myself in a situation where I had to remind myself very hard that not everything requires a response. This is the response that wasn't needed:

You say that you should have gone with your first instincts and not have replied. I agree with you. I had given you every indication - I had, in fact, explicitly stated - that such a reply would not be welcome. I had said what I needed, and what I did not need. You presented me with what I did not need. I had my reasons, and I considered you very rude to think that you were entitled to override my wishes, in my own space.

Since we're being honest here, I thought your follow-up, deleting your comment and then communicating by private message, was pathetic. It looked to me as if you were worried that other people might agree with me about your bad behaviour. I have done my best to interpret it as a sincere desire to keep that comments section harmonious, but I find I'm stretching my powers of belief. I didn't reply to your private message.

You had a history of ignoring my boundaries. I can think of at least two other occasions when you ignored what I had asked for, to give me something that I had asked not to receive, that I knew would be of no use to me. I dare say that you can be forgiven for assuming that I wouldn't enforce them this time, either, but things have changed, and I am no longer going to put up with that kind of response in my own arena.

I wish you well, but I feel that I am safer without you.

Reverb day 5: kindly cynical

Dec. 9th, 2014 10:53 am[personal profile] kafj
kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
What is the sound of your own voice?

I am not sure that people hear much of my voice. I am a quiet person; I sit at the edges of conversations and listen. Sometimes I have something to say, but not very often. I'm much more vocal online than I am in real life. Or - is that true? I'm a lurker, not a commenter; I read a lot and only occasionally respond. Sometimes that's because I don't want to get drawn into drama. Sometimes it's because someone else has already said everything that I would have done.

When I do, how does it sound? Diffident, kind, amused, sometimes veering to cynical, wanting to believe the best of everything, not necessarily sure that it's safe. Prone to long words, ellipsis, and sentences that run on and on, far away from the original point. Much like my real voice, really.

If we are going to take this literally, I have recorded my poem Manifest. I am always nervous about hearing my recorded voice, but I find, when I muster the courage to listen, I am not the awful person I thought I was.


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