lore: (bring me to life)
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alee_grrl: Black and white kitty peeking up out of a pink box.  Text above reads "Lurk" (lurk)
CW: medical issues including rash from hell. )

So that is why I haven't been around much.

Were it not for X, I would Y

Nov. 22nd, 2014 10:17 am[personal profile] kafj
kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
Were it not for the fact that my brain is broken and I do not currently have the energy to do any of them, I would plough on with one or more of the following regardless. Not all of them. I'm playing around with these, trying them on for size. I wrote most of them down a while ago, and, typing them up now, they feel far beyond anything I could dream of doing. So many tiny steps to take before even setting out on any of them, and each tiny step seeming huge and daunting. My aspirations shrink along with my capabilities.

(Were it not for the fact that I have a job to go to, I would find the human equivalent of a cardboard box filled with straw and sleep until my brain fixed itself.)

But anyway...

Were it not for the changes that would have to be made to our rental contract, I would set up an Etsy shop right this minute.

Were it not for the fact that I'm paranoid about being sued, I would self-publish and be damned.

Were it not for the fact that I'm morbidly convinced that it would lead directly to ordination, do not pass go, do not collect £200, I would do a Theology degree.

Were it not for the fact that I have a job to go to, I would take weeks and weeks off and go Interrailing around Europe.

Were it not for the fact that Anne's not well enough (and I have a job to do), I would walk the Camino again.


These seem to sit in their own category of Big Huge Scary Things. There are other things that aren't scaring me, that feel like they are only not getting done, or not getting done as quickly as I'd like, because brain and time:

- Paris bus website

- The Slowest Elopement

- O Antiphons end-of-Advent calendar

- piano lessons


Other things I am pondering:

- why am I so resistant to the idea of working from home?

- I probably need to prod harder at my whole relationship with work, and how it intersects with my relationship with Church, and being female, and being human

- how much/how long/what would it take for me to actually get better, more than just enough to scrape through the next day, but to be thoroughly refreshed and to feel once more like I could go on for ever? Whatever that is, could I do it?

- there is no way for other people to know that I have crashed, and how hard, without my telling them. How to do this?

- given the above, if I can't treat myself like I'm ill, how I can I expect other people to do so?

- how can I trust myself to look after myself?


I only have so much to give.
lore: (XF - Scully/Mulder HUG)
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BloMo14: Light night....

NSFW Nov. 14th, 2014 11:52 pm[personal profile] lore
lore: (Bones - Did he say)
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Things I learned this week

Nov. 14th, 2014 01:52 pm[personal profile] alee_grrl
alee_grrl: Picture of Reboot!Scotty.  Text reads: Scotty never read the Hitchhiker's Guide (should have brought a towel)
One benefit of being being home is that it makes it a lot easier to schedule appliance repair visits. Backstory: Washer stopped draining on Sunday, which left me with some very wet clothes that apparently were not properly rinsed out. Washer is now fixed. The drain pump had gotten clogged with tiny socks. Lesson learned: if anyone in your household wears those no-show mini socks it is best to wash them in a laundry bag like bras. This prevents them from migrating into the washer pump and causing damage.

Improperly rinsed laundry, combined with mega-stress, and allergies equals massive atopical dermatitis (itchy hives) breakout. Aveeno bath soak and eczema lotion work pretty well for the itchiness, and antihistamines are helpful too. When having all the itchy skin, it is best to avoid close-fitting clothing, which is a challenge when the temperature drops significantly, but doable. Being slightly chilled also makes the skin less itchy.

Tetracycline increases sensitivity to smells. Small wet bits of fabric stuck in washer parts stink really badly. Febreeze odor neutralizer helps.

Things I am grateful for:
  • being able to be home so that we could get the washer fixed this week
  • the washer being fixed and source of odd smell now neutralized
  • I can now rewash the clothes that did not get properly rinsed on Sunday
  • Z is letting me know when she needs to go to the bathroom, and going on the zipline for me without me having to use treats to bribe her
  • Being able to crate Z when I need to
  • comfort movies (Today's is How to Train Your Dragon 2.)

Thing I am bemused by: My high school alma mater, Louisiana School for Math, Science and the Arts, has alumni gatherings across the country much like many colleges and universities do. Considering it was a mini-university all on its own this isn't too surprising. It is kind of cool though. Not sure I'm going to feel up to going to the event in the DC area tomorrow, but it would be nice to go. Gifties (our nickname for ourselves) are usually a rather interesting bunch and they do not have alumni events in DC all that often.
kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
I see that yet another wannabe Dan Brown has dug up an obscure but by no means lost ‘gospel’ that ‘proves’ that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene. I have still not forgiven Rev Arun Arora for ‘we are all broken’ (subtext: ‘but some are more broken than others’) but I have to admit that this smackdown-cum-summary is rather pleasing. I note with some amusement that this particular WDB has plumbed new depths of desperation by going for a text that has nothing to do with Jesus at all, but this isn’t really my point.

I would like to say first that I understand that the insistence on Jesus’ presumed celibacy has done a huge amount of damage. I blame Paul’s short-term thinking, and Augustine. Mostly Augustine, really. I can understand the attraction of a married Jesus for that reason alone. If we’d had a married Jesus, perhaps the Church would have grown up a little more sex-positive and a little less misogynistic. But perhaps it would have been even more difficult for a woman who did not feel herself called to marriage to carve out her own path. I don’t know.

Personally, I find it very useful indeed that there is not much about Jesus’ personal life in the Gospels. In the not-knowingness I find room for my late-twenties-married self, and for my late-teen-seriously-considering-celibacy self. I find room for my trying-to-be-out-bisexual self and for my boringly-conventional-het-married self. I find room for the self who doesn’t have children and for the self who might have children one day. There are hints in the Gospels of Jesus who knew about family life, and Jesus who occasionally had to get away from it all. And, if it comes to that, Jesus who created his own family from the waifs and strays he found along the way.

Anyway, I don’t want to talk about Jesus so much as I want to talk about Mary Magdalene. Why, if we are going to write ‘Jesus’ wife’ into the script, do we have to cast Mary Magdalene in the part? The Gospel of Thomas? The Gospel of Thomas would not be my first stop for sex-positivity or feminism. The Gnostics were a misogynistic bunch who thought that the physical world in general and the body in particular were irredeemably sinful. Marrying Jesus off to Mary Magdalene does not make the Gospel of Thomas any better than Matthew, Mark, Luke or John, look:

Simon Peter said to them: Let Mary go forth from among us, for women are not worthy of the life. Jesus said: Behold, I shall lead her, that I may make her male, in order that she also may become a living spirit like you males. For every woman who makes herself male shall enter into the kingdom of heaven. (Thomas-114)

To be fair, I could see Peter saying that. I could also see Jesus hitting him very hard with the cluebat. The Jesus we see in the Gospels doesn’t need Mary to be a man. Equally, he doesn’t need her to be his wife. He accepts her exactly the way she is.

The wonderful thing about the relationship between Mary and Jesus as we see it in the four generally accepted Gospels is that it has very little to do with the fact that they are of different sexes. Other people try to make it about that (what about Martha, a classic example of woman-policing-woman?) but Jesus, in flagrant disregard of the conventions of the culture, sees her as fully human. Her place isn’t in the kitchen. I’m not trying to say that Jesus just sees her as ‘one of the lads’. One of the disciples, yes – but the point is that ‘disciple’ isn’t a ‘man’s job’. In Mary we see that everyone can be a disciple.

Mary shares the good news, she doesn’t cut cucumber sandwiches. She’s defined by her relationship to Jesus, yes, but in the same way that Peter is, or John or James. She greets Jesus as ‘Teacher’. She loves him deeply, but how constricting, to assume that it must be romantic love, that this is all women are capable of! (And then we have John, probably ‘the disciple whom Jesus loved’ – how very quick we are to assume that ‘love’ means something different here.)

If you accept the traditional identification of Mary with the woman taken in adultery (I don’t, personally) it becomes even more striking. If you accept that, then we see Jesus as perhaps the first person in her life (and, it sometimes seems, the last in recorded history) who isn’t interested in who she’s slept with.

I find the thoughtless attempt to force her into this extra-canonical role as ‘Jesus’ wife’ offensive beyond belief. We have in Mary a woman who exists in her own right, and whose existence in her own right Jesus recognises. We have a woman who loves and suffers deeply and visibly, who is brave, who is steadfast. We have a woman who defies convention. Why must we shoehorn her into one?

People have been obsessed with Mary Magdalene’s sex life for centuries. I don’t find this new take on the story any more feminist than the old one. A married Jesus? Fine by me. But as for Mary Magdalene, leave her alone. She has chosen the better part.
lore: (Bella - not to mention impolite)
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lore: (...Whaaaaat?)
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BloMo10:

NSFW Nov. 10th, 2014 11:58 pm[personal profile] lore
lore: (Bella - Stuffs)
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Bobbing along

Nov. 10th, 2014 07:06 pm[personal profile] kafj
kafj: headshot of KAFJ looking over right shoulder (Default)
Depression: still grim. I've been reminding myself that knowing of its existence is still a very real achievement, and have been trying to persuade it to be a shadow (attached to me, but not discommoding me) rather than a blanket (it's trying to help me, trying to ensure that I get the rest that I need, but it's just pinned my arms by my side in so doing).

I'm trying to remember that it is an actual honest to God illness, and treat it as such. Today, therefore, I took as a sick day, and spent wrapped up in a blanket drinking hot chocolate.

It's not too bad. It's a lot better today, for example, than it was on Saturday night. (Saturday morning was fine, but I crashed, hard.) I have been socialising a little bit more, feeling that it's going to get better.

This time of year, I live between dates. The next one is Advent Sunday. My new year observance runs through Advent and Christmas to the, well, new year. In the middle of it comes the solstice (when things start actually, measurably, getting better) and Christmas, and a week off work to put serious work into sleeping and getting my head in order.

Getting there. Getting there.
lore: (Ariel - Smiles)
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